Shin Fortengard Custom

Alright, so, Ubisoft.

It began with Yves Guillemot coming on stage and thanking everyone for their support throughtout the 25 years of Ubisoft’s existance. To be honest it was kind of sad and cringeworthy since I know Yves wants to come out and thank everyone but at the same time his voice is so incredibly meek and timid that even Mormons wouldn’t let him be a missionary.

And I bet he’ll come back and sound even more like a rape victim.

A very enthusastic and even more heavily accented but atleast manly voiced man came and showed you Rayman Origins, which looked cool but as I watched it it kind of didn’t connect with me since it felt less like a Rayman game and more like a Rayman game heavily inspired by New Super Mario Brothers Wii.

So people really like this but it sold bad? I guess? But it will have a sequel? Yeah so it was good, I guess.

Then, Mr.Caffine, a man who reminds me of Andy Dick with dark hair and intense botox came, announcing that he has quit his cocaine addiction for snorting caffine.

To make you understand, watch this. I want him to come back.

<iframe width=”560” height=”315” src=”http://www.youtube.com/embed/I5mUapJTYyE” frameborder=”0” allowfullscreen></iframe>

They showed Driver San Francisco and mentioned that the series tries to emulate the style of a Steve McQueen movie. Then I quickly realized that they shouldn’t have fucked around with Driver and just make Bullit : The Game.

So it was kind of cool actually? I should get around to it. Vangeist was super mad about it last year.

After that, they showed a trailer for Far Cry 3. And it was a thing. It’s about crazy people doing mean things and… Far Cry stuff about being in the jungle and fighting seemingly average peolple who have mutated to have telescopic xray vision.

Oh yeah this happened.

Randy Pitchford came around and said Ubisoft challenged Gearbox to make a world war 2 game the likes of which have not been seen, stylisticly. I thought ”PTSD sufering nazis are the main characters? realistic horrors? Hitler portrayed as less of a cartoon and a bit more of a human? Downfall : The Game?”. Nope, instead you get Brothers In Arms : Furious 4, in which a bunch of barely-characters with PERSONALITY kill nazis in a way that sort of resembles Inglorious Basterds but is much less interesting than Inglorious Basterds. Lars Von Trier should make a WW2 shooter.

Yo seriously make a WW2 shooter about the horrors of war. You could pass it off as art.

A video of Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson was shown, where they talked about The Adventures of Tintin the game. I thought ”please don’t let this be like that James Cameron thing”. And it wasn’t, it was over petty quick. But I didn’t like the idea of this game since Spielberg and Jackson both talked about how this game is an expansion to their movie, which made me think these people don’t have genuine appreciation for video games, they just use them as a gateway to sell their thing.

The movie was kind of fun actually.

Then, they showed a live co-op demo of Tom Clancy Ghost Recon Future Soldier. This game actually looked worse to me now than it did a year ago, since it didn’t look like they actually expanded any of the future gadgets in any interesting way since last year.

It’s actually kind of cool.

Then soemthing something Trackmania 2. Who knows.

Then, Raving Rabids something kinect.

Then, Just Dance 3, Rocksmith and Your Shape 2. I dunno, bro. I dunno. I think this train might have left station already.

moving on

And finally. Assassin’s Creed Revelations. I dunno, while I am down with some more Assassin’s Creed, I kind of want a new time period and as much as I love Ezio, new main character Still, I’m the first in line for more Assassin’s Creed.

And I liked it and it was cool and what I wish for will happen. Everything turned out better than expected.

Overall, a bit too much waggle jank and Andy Caffine was kind of annoying, but still not terrible.

7/10

Alright so EA. I can’t really talk abou anything but games in this case, since it was just games back to back, which is cool when you’re watching it and don’t want to see some asshole celebrity (with or without ” marks) try to make jokes about gaming and having it all be something about ”shooting people”.

Now that everyone hates EA I’d prefer the conference to just be a trainwreck instead.

First thing was Mass Effect 3, and as soon as you mention Mass Effect I’m there. My dissapointment was that there was barely any character interaction, instead everything was just shooting. But the shooting looked improved, there were some cool set pieces and Shepard now has like an energy wristblade for melee, which is great, since melee in ME2 had terrible range, shit damage and felt awkward. The game itself kind of looks like War of The Worlds in the future, you even fight Tripods. This shit drops March 6th 2012. Or 3.6.12 in that stupid american dating system, which is a neat play on numbers (smarter than CoD dates, anyway).

I didn’t play it yet but turns out the game is poop. I’m proud for not sucking it’s dick too hard or I would look like a total asshole.

Then, Need For Speed : The Run. Man, this game features on foot segments (which sounds ether good or really bad), and they play like Indigo Prophecy (which means it’s ether great or amazingly bad, depending on if you liked Indigo Prophecy). I dunno, man. I dunno. It could be cool.

This game came out and was swiftly forgotten.

And then the other Bioware doctor went on stage and gushed on about how much content Star Wars The Old Republic has and how engaging it is. And it is like, so engaging and brimming with content, that he said he thinks no trailer or demo could contain it. So instead, what do you get? A FMV trailer of only cutscenes. What, were you dissapointed? I think what actually was going is that Dr.Greg knew that the fanboy expectations for his gaym are so absurdly high he cannot satisfy them, regardless of actual quality. And you know, since ToR’s actual gameplay is said to suck dick. So instead, lightsaber flashing everywhere and boring dialogue about ”the balance of the force” and ”the dark side”. I wish we could kill Star Wars. But Star Wars is like the Pope, even when you’re old, almost dead and smell like piss, you can’t kill it even if you’re sorry for it and it would be a mercy, since many fanboys and corporate executives will never have it.

I would make blunder of the century jokes and mock it’s failure but at the same time it’s already been done to death and I was never invested in it.

Alright so then Peter Moore came and it was sports time. They showed a new trailer for SSX, which was fucking awesome since they abandoned the Modern Warfare style for good old WOOOOOO CHECK THIS SHITTTTTT.

And so far it’s the best EA game to come out for the longest time.

Then they showed FIFA 2012 which looked okay I guess. And then some pro football players came and showed the features for the new Madden. Madden is interesting this year since there might not even be a football season.

Did I say Madden could be interesting? No fuck that I will never make that mistake ever again.

Then John Ricotello up in this bitch, showing Sims Social. Which is Sims. On Facebook. And if the trailer for it doesn’t make you go signal space and demand aliens to kill everyone, nothing will.

Cocks.

After that, they showed Kingdom Of Amalar : Reckoning, which I don’t remember anything about and… something. It reminded me of Oblivion, but then again, what fantasy WRPG doesn’t?

And now 38 Studios is dead after taking shady government loans and having shitty management. Also the game was super mediocre. Good job.

Insomniac displayed it’s new multiplatform game, called Overstrike. All the trailer showed was FMV. But atleast the trailer looked fun, it sort of reminded me of TF2 and the dialogue kind of reminded of of something the guy who wrote the script for The Incredibles would write.

And it was never to be seen again.

And finally. Fucking Battlefield 3. Dem realistic deserts, man. Dat tank drivan. It was boring and awesome at the same time.

It’s pretty fucking boring, ja.

EA talked about games and they did deliver. It was solid. Maybe not enough razzle-dazzle but solid.

pleasebeatrainwreckpleasebeatrainwreck

8/10

Arighty so I have work tomorrow so I guess I’ll hit this one out of the way right now.

About 48 minutes ago the Microsoft press conference concluded and I’m going to recap it with ”expert” opinions.

So the conference started with MW3, because where there is Xbox press conference, there is the next CoD. It looked exactly like what you expected it to be and I really won’t buy it since I have two copies of essentialy the same game already. They showed an underwater level, which is kind of ”nobody likes water levels why the hell would you show that” but then again, CoD plays the same in every moment of CoD so why the hell not.

And how much are you willing to bet that this will happen again?

The Microsoft guy then called the creators of CoD the world’s greatest storytellers. yes. yes. think about that one for a second

People who think that CoD story is any good, read a book, your mind will be blown in 7 rainbow colored pieces.

But then I realized that CoD is like the brodouche and 12 year old boy equal to Twilight. Sad. Sad. Sad.

Welp, anyway, then they showed the new Tomb Raider, which, to be honest, didn’t look terribad in every sense. Atleast Lara Croft now suffers, which is an improvement and the situations are kind of brutal. She still has that terrible fake british accent, but atleast she’s not smug anymore. But still in general I don’t care, I never liked Tomb Raider. As a kid I played the game and said fuck this within 20 minutes since Lara moved like a chess figure and every jump felt like trying to push a shopping trolly full of canned beans fast enough to get it to fly over a 15 centimeter gap in the pavement, which is impossible. I heard things improved over the years but by then my interest had died, as most people’s was, since we found better characters to masturbate to.

What, people are actually looking forward to Lara Croft And The Mystery Of Cannibal Holocaust? Okay fine but I still don’t care.

Then there came Peter Moore and showed Mass Effect 3, and I was like fuck yes. They didn’t show a lot but they did show the Kinect support which was not retarded. Also Mordin and Liara confirmed.

Yeah just wait for the EA post. This is not the first time I talk about Mass Effect 3.

Then the hilarious french guy from Ubisoft who sounds like an abused 6 year old girl came and after a year of radio silence, there it was, Ghost Recon Future Soldier, and they showed Kinect support, Oh lawdy. This game is a tacticool perversion, but the kinect gameplay looks like the gayest shit.

I dunno I watched the Giant Bomb quicklook and it didn’t look bad. It looked nice and tactical.

Then there were 15 minutes of UI shit, with some lady who looked like she was taking a dump in a future toilet in the background telling the xbox to search for shit. MOVING ON.

And I bet this also will happen again.

Oh, and then Dana White (which is the most unmanly name for an MMA fighter this side of Pussyfoot Pinkerton) came and talked about UFC. Okay, whatever.

Also will probably happen again.

After that, I cite this tweet.

”  There once was a game by Cliffy B,

it was presented by Ice T.

Bald space marines, hiding behind things.

It can only be Gears 3”

Surprise, Ice T was only there for a few minutes and is an asshole to you. The rest of the time Rick Doms shoot albinos and search for MARCUS’S DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.

And after that there was a trailer for that Crytek game set in the Roman Empire, called Ryse. Who writes words like rise with y? Cunts. It’s like Vampyre or Magik. Fuck that.

And we still have no idea what the fuck this is.

Oh yeah and that Halo 1 remake? That’s a thing. Are you surprised? Ofcourse not.

So many Halo games lost like tears in the rain, Microsoft it’s time to die.

And then there was Forza 4, which was kind of cool.

vrooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Peter Molyneux came and showed Fable : Journey, which is a magic rail shooter, so it’s like the bonus mode in that latest Harry Potter game. These rail shooters would make the Wii feel ashamed if those were Wii games, and the Wii barely has any self respect.

Peter Molyneux is mad butthurt about the rails remark.

Then, Minecraft, on XBLA. I jelly. Only game I’m jelly about.

Nope. It still sucks.

Then, Disneyland Adventures, a kinect game that they say is like ”actually being in Disney Land”. Except you don’t get pubic lice from hugging the sex offenders dressed as Chip and Dale, there’s no Guantanamo prisoners left there by Banksy, there’s no hippy island, gay protesters, corpse ashes in the haunted houses, two mile long lines and you’re flailing around like an idiot in front of a TV. Also, terrible, terrible child actors.

That game came out. I hope the children enjoyed it before they got fucked by men in Rescue Rangers costumes that have dickholes.

Then, Star Wars Kinect. A year ago I said this game looks like shit, today it also looks like shit. You have the crappy look of the prequel trilogy, but you move like old Obiwan, so it’s like the worst of both worlds. The wii could do a better star wars game.

Oh, how it sucked. It sucked so hard it’s glorious. I’m sure future reveiwers will mock these motion control games the way today’s reviewers mock FMV games.

Then, Tim Schafer came and showed One Upon A Monster, a Sesame Street game, which looked… shit, it looked great and endearing.

Tim Schafer is losing cred.

Then, Kudo Tsunoda came up and I was like YEAH, KUDO, WOOOOOOOOOOO. Kudo loves weed. I can tell it. He loves it.

I hope Kudo comes back.

Oh there was some kinect fiddling tool, it was okay, I guess. There was no BAM, THERE IT IS.

Then, some stuff some stuff, football yelling with invisible footballs. Embaressment.

And then, Dance Central 2 in the hood. Shit was cool.

I hate Kinect yet I love it, it’s so bad it’s not even novel like the Power Glove.

And finally.

Halo.

4

count em

Is anyone actually excited?  I can’t imagine they are.

Why the hell not.

Overall, it was cool. Better than last year.

It was better than 2010 but it still wasn’t cool if I think about it.

Time to lube up the old keyboard. To ease in to the summer writing season I’ll do a commentary on my last year’s E3 posts.

Right so time to do my actual second annual E3 pess conference overview series of posts. E3 has as of yet not started (03.06.2011).

Right, so I didn’t write about it last year but there was the legendary Konami press conference of 2010, which, for a lack of better words for it, felt like a cutscene from Deadly Premonition rather than an actual conference. It was poorly lit, awkward, insane and totally awesome. But at the same time you have to remember that that wasn’t like Atlus or Nippon Ichi or like Grasshopper Manifacture who deal in niche games. It was Konami. You know, Konami, who make Metal Gear. You know, Konami, who make Metal Gear. You know, Konami,  the 4th biggest Japanese third party video game company (after Namco Bandai, Square Enix and Capcom). Last year, Tak Fuiji, the director of such amazing games as Ninety Nine Nights came up on stage, looking like an asian clone of Lil’ Wayne and talked some barely comprehensable jibberish and hissed ”EXTREEEEEEM” at you like three times. And it was awesome. I’d watch that over Joel McHale’s dickass any day.

But you know, not everyone appreciates things like this the way I do and I guess Konami were a bit embaressed by the whole thing. So this year, they decided to do a press conference that would make honorable ancestors proud. Konami wanted to get back to the good old days, where they could record the genuine amazement of the viewers of the conference as they show the trailer for the new Metal Gear and then put it on DVD for everyone to watch (This actually happened, it did!).

I miss Tak Fuiji.

This year the press conference was only available as a stream, since, you know, E3 hasn’t even actually started yet. I’m sure they’ve only started building booths in the convention center right now as we speak.

So they got the president of Konami USA to kick off the streamed conference. His english isn’t quite Kazuo tier but it’s still good enough to tell what he says without having to look at the subtitles.

Altough he never actually says it, it does kind of sound like they’re sorry for last year’s awesomebad press conference. Also something about Lords Of Shadow DLC and a Frogger game for 3DS because why the hell not.

I predict that it’ll be just like this this year.

Now we switch to Tokyo, Japan.

And there’s the MGS producer guy who talks about the 3DS features for Metal Gear Solid Snake Eater 3D for the 3DS. The features looked awesome, but you already sold me on it ever since you said Snake Eater (which is the greatest MGS game and Mark should eat a dick). The trailer wasn’t incredibly impressive, but then again I’ve beaten that game like 11 times already so they would have to try really hard to impress me.

It came out and nobody cares.

Then there was some PES 2012 stuff, which looked pretty cool to be honest. It had nice character models and good action for a sports game. I can’t actually tell how good it really is since I haven’t played a soccer game since FIFA 2000.

Footyboll <iframe width=”560” height=”315” src=”http://www.youtube.com/embed/e4S4leDqWfs” frameborder=”0” allowfullscreen></iframe>

Then came Shinta Nojira with his game NeverDead, which always reminded me of Reanimator whenever I see it, even if it’s sort of a strech.

But then I saw the trailer, which was glorious if not just since it featured an original song writen for the game by Megadeth. The voiceacting was kind of dicks and the character designs are not the best, ether, the shooting looked like Saint’s Row but goddamn it if didn’t look awesome.

welp turns out the game was poop

Then there was some Silent Hill content, related to the new upcoming movie and also an upcoming game called Silent Hill Downpour. I have to say Downpour looked good, but you have to be cautious with Silent Hill since it has sort of sucked since Silent Hill 4.

and silent hill continues to suck

After that it was time for Hideo Kojima. There was a long video about his new developments. Now, I love Hideo. I love Hideo from the bottom of my heart, bless his bespectacled tiny head and awkward english. But the video felt like something thrown together by some youtube sketch comedy nobodies  Mega64, altough it did have some moments where I laughed kind of hard, like Psycho Turkey and a wizard blasting a Xbox 360 with magic for a sad Xbox player wearing Sam Fisher goggles. Oh right, so the reveal was that they’re releasing MGS HD collection on PS3 and 360, as well as a Zone of The Enders collection. The MGS one contains MGS2, MGS3 and MGS Peace Walker. To be honest I’m slightly dissapointed they couldn’t get The Twin Snakes and maybe Portable Ops on that thing as well, but that’s more of a pipedream.

I would buy Twin Snakes HD. But it will never happen.

So anyway, Hideo’s idea is to be able to play the same game both on handhelds and consoles.

And after that they talk around but not really that much about MGS Rising. Also they teased the brand new engine for Hideo’s games called the FOX engine (You know damn well what the FOX probably references). They teased a jungle with some vague looking shadowguy who looks sort of like The Boss or a really skinny young Snake but I can’t tell. Hideo said this is mostly just a test but now that I think about it. What does this mean?!

”oh my god what could it be, what could it be, what could it be?! a prequel with The Boss? Young Big Boss’s training? Maybe it has nothing to do with Big Boss’s young days? Maybe it’s not even MGS? Maybe this is really just a technical thing and the actual thing is totally different? Maybe it’s about Raiden? oh my god what could it beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

Turns out it’s probably MGS5 with Big Boss again.

”Ore ga omae wo oshienai, mesu buta”

(._.) Okay

Oh also. They teased a new Contra game at the very end of the conference. Mite B Cool. I hope it’s… Hard Corps 2… Developed by ArcSystem Works…

:3c nyoro-n